Turkey!

Separating the year's Bernard Matthews from the prime rib - Kim Newman bastes 1999's worst cinematic experiences

8 MM
Joel Schumacher, Andrew Kevin Walker and Nicolas Cage exhibit a combined ineptitude to such a degree as to suggest they should be starring in snuff movies rather than making films about them.
Naffest bits: Catherine Keener as Cage's whiny wife, Peter Stormane as mad auteur Dino Velvet.

THE HAUNTING
Proof Speed 2 wasn't just a blip in the self-destructing career machine that is Jan de Bont. Lesson One: CGI isn't scary (see also: The Mummy). Lesson Two: Catherine Zeta-Jones may be lovely, but she can't act (see also: Entrapment).
Naffest Bit: Lili Taylor goes to Heaven with all the little cherubs.

MY FAVORITE MARTIAN
Just pipping Jar Jar Binks to the post for the Most Irritating Triumph Of Special Effects Award this year was Zoot, the animated spacesuit that detached from Christopher Lloyd and zurgled around the screen blawping about the Spice Girls, while the film as a whole edged out Wild Wild West as Worst Remake Of A Forgotten TV Series. Includes a rare lousy Jeff Daniels performance, and the expected embarrassment of Daryl Hannah pretending to be mousy.
Naffest bit: The whole thing, really.

PATCH ADAMS
Memo to Robin Williams: please stop, please, please, please. We can't take those perky, grinning, heart-all-over-the-screen close-ups of you being wackily benevolent. This was the based-on-fact one about the doctor who amuses deathly ill patients with happy skits.
Naffest bit: The cheering-up of the kiddie cancer ward with red nose antics.

FINAL CUT
This bizarre vanity project has a bunch of British actors playing evil alternate universe versions of themselves. Set during the (fictional) funeral of Jude Law, with Sadie Frost and Ray Winstone condemning themselves as shallow, self-involved and drug-sodden. It's all pretend though, honest.
Naffest bit: The examination of Sadie Frost's underwear.
KIM NEWMAN

First Published In: Empire no.127 (January 2000) p.113

Visit Kim's Official Website at www.johnnyalucard.com