DOA: Dead or Alive [2006]

Though it's hardly an accolade, DOA is almost certainly the best film ever adapted from a computer game. It could do with a stronger fighting villain than Eric Roberts in high-tech sunglasses which download fighting moves to his brain, but for the most part it has spectacular martial arts choreography from veteran Cory Yuen, a canny enough script by J.F. Lawton [whose biggest credit is Pretty Woman, but also wrote one of the great warrior bimbo movies, Piranha Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death] and a cast of good-looking, flexible folk who are credible in action and at least competent in the tiny amount of dialogue they are given.

It comes from the Paul W.S. Anderson stable, but trumps his stabs at Mortal Kombat and Resident Evil simply through the grace of Yuen's choreography - even if the moves aren't always best-served by MTV cutting and a bland rock score. The deal is that a bunch of the best fighters in various disciplines assemble at an island for an elimination contest, while the supremo [Roberts] uses nanobots on their blood to record their best skills so he can become invincible and sell the tech to high-bid baddies around the world [though not in North America].

The characters get smart little intros - ninja princess Kasumi [Devon Aoki] skips over a horde of bodyguards and hang-glides from a mountaintop in search of her missing brother [Collin Chou] with a purple-haired assassin babe [Natassia Malthe] on her trail... pro wrestler Tina [Jaime Pressly, in stars and stripes bikini top], fleeing from her contrived sport ['wrestling? Is that even a fighting style?'] beats up a boatload of scurvy pirates who try to pick her off a yacht... superthief Christie [Holly Valance] gets into black underwear while escaping the Hong Kong police. After everyone shows up on the island, intrigues, love interests and backstory get trotted out, while Helena [Sarah Carter], daughter of the contest's founder, joins the warrior chick gang, and a lovelorn ninja [Kane Kosugi] pitches in to protect Kasumi.

None of this story stuff is really worth thinking about, as the film gets down to pitting its characters against each other in a variety of settings - 'Forbidden Square at Dawn', a bamboo forest, several easily-demolished luxury moderne bedrooms, a rainy beach, 'the Grey Steps' - and the individual bouts give way to mass rumbles and team-ups which structurally make the film work like a musical or a porno movie as everyone gets to duet with everyone else before trying for more complicated production-number/orgy arrangements. Oscars are unlikely, but Uwe Boll will be envious.
KIM NEWMAN

First Published In: Venue [issue unknown]

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