Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid [2004]

Though there's a jokey reference to the plot of 'original' Anaconda in dialogue, this feels more like a rip-off than a sequel and, indeed, could as easily have been positioned as a follow-up to Boa or Python. Despite its horde of credited writers [Hans Bauer, Jim Cash, Jack Ebbs Jr, Ed Neumeier, Michael Miner, Daniel Zelman, John Claflin], who have presumably hacked over the material for a long development period, the film is still bizarrely founded on the misconception you can find anacondas in Borneo [they're a South American species]. The set-up is that an orchid has been found in the jungle interior of Borneo which might yield a drug that would have astounding regenerative properties, but only blooms once every seven years and is due to go out of bloom within weeks – which means that an expedition of the usual disposable scientific and business types have to hire a macho deadbeat [Johnny Messner] who is the only captain willing to take them upriver during the rainy season.

The no-name cast establish the usual stereotype conflicts, with Coronation Street refugee Matthew Marsden as the unethical British-accented scientist-entrepreneur who is willing to sacrifice the rest of the party to get the flower and Eugene Byrd doing a hysterical, pop-eyed African-American character who might as well be Willie Best in a baseball cap. Having eaten the orchids, the local anaconda population have bred a horde of giant creatures who refrain from eating anyone for too much of the running time as the foul-up party continually undo their own progress. Towards the end, the creatures get into attack mode and do away with some [but not enough] of the characters, but there's a crocodile attack and a numbing poisonous spider in the mix [for some reason, the other creatures aren't orchid-enlarged]. With CGI creatures all too reminiscent of DTV items like Blood Surf and Crocodile, relentlessly terrible dialogue, a plot that's all over the map, and unexciting scare scenes, this piffle even makes Anaconda seem superior. Directed by Dwight H. Little.
KIM NEWMAN

First published in this form here.

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