Amazons and Gladiators [2001]

Schlock shot in Lithuanian forests, this seems like a rescramble of Hammer's The Viking Queen keyed into a post-Gladiator trash movie ecology, though it wins points for poaching its villain – name slightly different – from Spartacus and his initial misdeed from Once Upon a Time in America.

Marcus Crassius [Patrick Bergin], capturer of Spartacus, is despatched to govern an outlying province by a jealous Ceasar – later, he gets a letter from Brutus saying Julius will forgive him if he defeats the Amazons – and spends his time despoiling and gloating, throwing games even he admits are somewhat low-budget compared to the Colosseum and luxuriating in petal-strewn baths with topless slaves. On an early raid, he claims one slutty girl [Wendy Winer] as his concubine and torments her little sister by perching her mother on her shoulders with a noose around her neck and a fire under her feet. The mother kicks the girl away and she grows up to be a dancer who stabs the Roman swine who has paid to deflower her. Serena [Nichole M. Hiltz] is rescued by the armoured Amazon Ione [Jennifer Rubin], who works with liberal princess Zenobia [Mary Tamm], and trains as a warrior, cops off with a caring rebel [Richard Norton] and vows vengeance. However, the Amazons are squashed in a barely-glimpsed battle and, after her own sister has ratted her out, Serena ends up in the arena – Norton takes arrows rather than fight her and she fakes a defeat of her best friend, then after her sister is slain she goes one-on-one with the sneering, gloating, hamming Bergin and predictably stabs him. A narrating prophetess claims the Roman Empire, due in history to last another 300 years, was soon to fall, and Hiltz rides off to possible further adventures if a sequel is required.

The massed forces of the Amazons prevail in the plot, but Bergin chews everyone else off the screen, cramming in a wide variety of perfidies. Newcomer Hiltz is okay as the sort of chick who swordfights with a bare midriff and is a deadeye with throwing knives. It's cheap, with a bewildering variety of accents and scrappy action scenes, but it is sort of engaging in a sleazy way. Written and directed by Zachary Weintraub.
KIM NEWMAN

First published in this form here.

Visit Kim's Official Website at www.johnnyalucard.com